


you leave me in ruins

by harryhart



Category: Bloodline (TV 2015)
Genre: Age Difference, Danny is a little OOC, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-11 16:11:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10468947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harryhart/pseuds/harryhart
Summary: When she leaves, it just happens. The place has too many memories. Many things that remind her of him. His mother, the boat, the sky. When she leaves, it just happens. When she loves him that first time in the sole of the boat, it just happens. When she falls in love with him, it just happens. When she keeps loving him, it just happens.She hates herself for that.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this before I saw the ending of Season 1 and then went back to it as I was watching Season 2 so there may be some events that are not entirely accurate with the show's canon.

shades of guilt

He knows. He knows he will fuck up, he knows he will be the disappointment of the family again, he knows his father will say no. He knows. But he goes anyway. He is a piece of metal and that place is a magnet, he can’t stay away for much he tries to.

He hates himself for that. He takes Sheryl to the dinner just to mess with them, that’s the least he can do, right? He found her in a bar, flirted with her, made her fall at his feet and made his father uncomfortable. For a broken man, he still has his charm.

His conversations with his father are a passive battle, he wishes he wouldn’t hate him, he hates himself more.

 

* * *

 

The girl in the bar is no older than 24. She walks easily to the bartender and asks for a sweet drink, sweet like her. He wants to hear her voice up close but he is afraid she will think he is too old or too creepy, too broken. She is sweet and innocent, he is bitter and corrupted.

His mother does the work instead, she comes running to him, smiling, happy to have all of her family in one place. She asks him if he is having a good time, a hand on his left shoulder and a smile but then she sees her and she screams her name and the sweet girl turns her head and gives her mother the sweetest of smiles "Hey Mrs. Rayburn". Her voice, oh her voice.

His mother introduces them and explains to him that she has been working as the receptionist in the Inn for a year and she is one of the finest employees of the hotel. _Sally seems more proud of an employee than her own son_ but he shakes that thought out of his head, now can talk to the sweet girl.

He tastes her name on his lips and wonders what would feel like to taste her. Sally excuses herself to talk to the many guests. She blurts out a shy "Hi" with eyes full of questions. “Your mother has told me a lot about you”. He feels embarrassed and looks down “Oh shit”. “No, not like bad stuff, she just told stories about you, she is not the kind of mother to talk bad things about her kids I think” - _oh she is not, she just shuts her mouth_ \- “what I really wanted to say is that it’s nice to finally put a face to the name”. Now _she_ looks embarrassed. He nods slowly, enjoying how her lips twist into an embarrassed smile, how her eyes dart away from the intensity of his.  She is light, sand, a quiet sea, her whole demeanor is just like that. He likes that. He is storm, violent waves, and a dark sky. They are nothing alike. He likes that.

 

* * *

 

Something is holding him there and it won’t let him go, he knows exactly what it is. Guilt. The same that made him leave in the first place. The seahorse feels heavy on his hand, and it hurts when he takes it out. Blood painting the sea. The sting of the cut rushing in.

Eric has no medical supplies on his boat, so he just wraps a piece of cloth on the wound and returns home.

He goes to the reception of the hotel, hoping his mother would lend him the first aid kit, but instead, he finds her. She is sitting in the reception desk, filling some kind of form, her brows furrowed, concentrated. He stands there watching her and for a moment he forgets the pain on his hand and the constant reminder of his shoulder.

He shifts his body and she looks up and sees him. A smile says his name “Danny”. His name on her lips sound almost magical, he never heard it like that before, so sweet and silky and free of judgment. For the last 30 years, his name has been tinted with touches of despise, sorry and hate, not ever like this. Not this sweet. He likes that.

The heavy blood drops on the floor. She takes him to sit on the porch, on one of the nice chairs. She asks him what happened, he says it was an accident _(It wasn’t, he deserves it)_. He watches her while she cleans his wound, her hair is falling on her shoulders, she has long eyelashes, her mouth does a little thing when she thinks he is in pain. He likes that. It seems the weight of his shoulder is gone, temporarily forgetting the fact that almost everyone there hates him, forgetting he is a failure to his family (he doesn't forget that though), he just watches her. He would hate himself even more if he fucked her up.

His father is watching them. “Leave that girl alone will you?”. The whole weight of his world falls on his shoulders once again.

 

* * *

 

He has been drinking with Eric but he is not drunk, just a little tipsy. So he goes to the sea to shake it off. He swims away, the coldness of the sea sharpens his senses, the light of the moon illuminates his face. He floats and thinks (it's the only place where he can think clearly). _She_ hasn’t appeared in days.

The sand sticks into him when he sits down to dry off. He tries not to think and just fixes his eyes on the sea and lets the breeze calm him. Right now he just wishes everything was right, but things are not. He just wants to forget. He can’t.

His hair is slicked back, heavy with water. His clothes are damped. He looks good and he knows it. His lips salty and words ready to attack.

He comes back home to find her sitting in a chair on the porch (in the one she patched him up), _crying._ He knew she had the night shift (and _maybe_ that’s why he stayed up so late). She sees him coming and wipes her tears quickly, and then she gives him one of her smiles. “Hey” “Hey”. 

He sits next to her, his eyes scanning her face. “You ok?”. “Yeah, it’s not a big deal” (those words are more to convince herself rather than him) “If you wanna tell me you can do it”. This is wrong, what he is doing is wrong. He is old, and little by little he is wrapping his claws around this sweet girl. He knows what he is doing but he doesn't stop, he wants her all for himself. He hates himself for that.

He doesn't say anything, he just sits next to her and fixes his eyes on the sea. Her breathing is soft, her skin feels warm touching his arm, she doesn't flinch away. What she says next is quiet, he can barely hear her but now his attention is on her fully (It has _always_ been on her since he arrived).

“I had a fight with a client” she pauses “He started screaming at me because there was a big fucking lizard on his room” she huffs. It's the first time he hears her swear and he can't believe how flustered it makes him - he wonders what else-- (can she do with that mouth).

“I told him that that can happen, I mean we are in the fucking Keys for fuck's sake. And then he started to say that I was being disrespectful to him... You can't imagine all the things he told me but it's not that…” She gets quiet, he doesn't interrupt. “I fucking despise fights, I freeze every time I'm in a fight, I don't know what to say or what to do I just stand there. Anyway he told me that and I quote "The owner is gonna know about this”' 

“Well he is gonna know about me then” She gives a tired sigh as a laugh and shakes her head. “It's ok Danny” - there it is again, the sound of his name on her lips - “it doesn't matter, you know, I always make a big deal of things, I just hope Sally doesn't fire me in the process.”

“Who was him? Tell me how he looked like”

“His name is Dick, how fucking convenient, he is old and short and has glasses. He came with his wife and son, another creep. I'm really sorry Danny, I shouldn't be telling you all this, I'm sorry for the rambling.”

He tells her it's fine, he tells her she that that guy is a fucking asshole, he tells her she is too beautiful to be crying for an asshole. (That's the _first_ time he hasn't lied in the four days he's been home) He stays a little more with her, they don't talk much, they just watch the sea. When he goes to sleep, he kisses her forehead

“I'll take care of it, don't worry about Sally” Before she can even ask what he meant (she knows), he says goodnight and leaves.

 

* * *

 

He enjoys the face of the guy when he says he is the owner, he listens carefully the lie his lips throw at him. He is disgusting indeed, he despises him. The feeling of anger covers his body.

“I see your problem sir, but you can't go insulting a receptionist because you don't like lizards, say those things to her and then threaten her job. You won't do that again I presume” his voice sounds threatening, his body coming closer and closer to the point he is whispering to the guy, he stands like an animal determined to defend his prey from other predators. He senses the guy's fear and enjoys it, he enjoys every bit. “Now go apology to her.”

 

* * *

 

When he kisses her. It just happens. He doesn't want to ruin her with his poison but he does it just the same. It's late at night, another one of her night shifts, another one of his nights out. It just happens. She is sitting in the porch again, but this time she is not crying. It just happens. Maybe he is a little more drunk than usual, maybe her lips look more glossy this night than any other, maybe her eyes are inviting, maybe he _is_ a little more drunk than usual. It just happens. She tastes like country: green, young and sweet. He tastes like sea: blue, old and salty. The tenderness of her hand on his cheek is enough to drown on the touching of her sweet lips. She pulls away, lips red, chest longing for air, eyes troubled. He is confused, his eyes are pleading for more, his body too ( _her_ body too). “Sorry I shouldn't hav... “she doesn't finish “Sorry I have to go back to work” _(she doesn't, he knows)_. He hates himself.

 

* * *

 

She avoids him for a week.

Every time they are in a room together she just does her best not to lock eyes with him. But she can't help it. Whenever he comes back from his diving tours she just does her best not to stare at him while he laughs and jokes with the clients. But she can't help it. She asks Sally if another worker can take her night shifts, that she will work every day but please not at night. Sally has no problem with that, she says she has earned it.

He fucks Chelsea that week, he is tough. He is brutal and angry. He hates himself for that. He hates doing this to Chelsea but that doesn't stop him. He hates himself for that.

 

* * *

 

One day she is working till late, while a storm forms outside. When Sally returns with Danny from the hospital, she scolds her for staying late “You are always working, you should be home resting” and has her son take her home “the storm may break out any minute, I don't want you walking alone”. She certainly doesn't have a saying in this matter, not when it's Sally is the one who is giving orders. He realizes that Sally sees her as a daughter, one she still can have control over, one she can still have around her house.

Silence. They don't speak, he wants to, she wants to. They don't dare. She thinks he is mad at her. He thinks she hates him. It just happens. He pulls over but she doesn't get out. It's raining outside. Both speak at the same time. He says I'm sorry. She stares at the floor. “I…” She doesn't finish her sentence. She wants to say she craves for his lips. He drives away. He lets the storm take away the dirt on his skin. She doesn't sleep at night, not with things left unsaid.

 

* * *

 

At night it’s quiet, the only sounds filling the air are the rustling of the leaves and the splashes of the waves. Occasionally, the sound of an animal nearby. Her hands are fidgeting while she waits for him to come back from a tour guide on the beach. The guests are loving Danny, he is just the right touch to the Inn, funny and charismatic. Everyone seems to be slowly falling into acceptance that he is home and he will (for now) stay and help out (it never works out). When he comes back to the Inn, a warm hand takes him by the arm and grabs his attention. He can tell she is nervous by the way she bites her lips and shifts her body. “I wanted to tell you something in the car... and I just… I couldn't.” He likes the way she licks her lips. “But I think I can tell you now”. He likes the way her eyes plead him to listen.

“Danny” the voice of his brother John makes her jump a little. He doesn’t look at him. “I need to talk to you for a second”. He keeps his eyes on her. “I’ll be out in a minute”. His brother looks at both of them before he gets out. “Wait for me on the dock tomorrow morning, bring a swimsuit”. He doesn’t wait for her answer. He knows she will be there.

 

* * *

 

The boat ride seems to take forever. When they get in, he takes her hand and leads her to the Christ of the Abyss. When they get out, they just stay in the water, they don’t say a word. It just happens. She feels so right, so right for him. He can’t get enough. Her nose bumps with his, and her eyelashes tickle his face. He is in charge now, not like the first time. He grabs her by the waist and he holds her close. She is his. He likes that. He pulls away but she lingers on his lips “I guess what I wanted to say was that I got scared”

“You have nothing to be afraid of _baby_ ”. That’s the first lie he tells her.

 

* * *

 

She watches him play with the two girls. He is good. He is good when he pretends to be fine. “Danny” “Hey” “Sally wants you to meet the two guest that just arrived”. One of the two girls looks at her, eyes fighting the light of the sun. “Is she your girlfriend?” Voice pure and innocent and curious, just how he used to be a long time ago. Her cheeks go straight up red and looks down, embarrassed. Both don’t say a word. “I told you shouldn't be asking people if they are a couple” her sister interrupts.

He smiles. “No, she is not. But I think I would be a pretty lucky guy if she was, don’t you think?” The wink makes the girl laughs. “Yeah, she is really pretty”. She tries to hide the blush on her cheeks. He likes that. A smirk plays on his lips when he locks eyes with her. The little girl talks again “Do you wanna go to swim with us? He says he is a pretty good teacher, maybe you two could start dating”. This makes her laugh. “I would really love that but I’m afraid I have to go to work, maybe some other time yeah?” His blue eyes are fixed on her. “I’ll be there” He watches her go. “You like her” the little girl voice is playful and accusatory. He puts his finger on his mouth and without hiding his smile he shhs her. “Don’t tell my secret”

 

* * *

 

His hands are all over her body. He can’t get enough. The boat seems smaller each time they meet. He can’t get enough. He loves the way her hands grab his hair while his mouth is between her legs. He can’t get enough. He loves the way she calls his name between moans and whines. He can’t get enough. Her hands are rough on him.

He lights a cigarette up, takes a drag and passes it to her. “Are you happy?” he doesn't know why those words leave his mouth. The stars are bright and hypnotizing. “Why do you ask me that?” “I was just wondering”. He waits. “I don’t know. I guess. I have a job, a place to live…” She pauses. “I have you”. He hates himself for that but he smiles, he doesn't let her see the tears on his eyes.  He is glad she doesn't ask the question back (it’s not a nice answer). He grabs her hand and his lips leave little touches on the back of it. He thinks she looks brighter than the stars (he doesn't say it though).

 

* * *

 

When Chelsea invites him to stay, he hates himself. He is a piece of shit and he knows it. When the words “there is no you and me” leaves his mouth, he means it. He loves Chelsea but he can’t bear the thought of hurting her _again_ . He hates himself.  He goes out, puts a cigarette in his mouth and tries to smoke his mind away. Chelsea doesn't deserve him, _she_ doesn’t deserve him. He is a master in fucking people up.

 

* * *

 

“Hey I was looking for you…” her words decay and she gets a hole in her chest when she finds him crying on the door of his truck. “Hey” there is a softness in her words he can’t explain. She think he is crying because of his father, that the grieve had finally came to him. She doesn’t know. He will tell her, eventually, but it’s hard to talk about those things. When he does talk about that, he just says “what happened” and that’s it. His tears make little silhouettes on her shirt. She feels soft and young. He likes that.

He always thought his siblings, deep down, loved him like he loved them, because he does, he loves them, but now? He despises them. His goal changes again. His chest stings and he is unable to make a coherent thought out of his head. He feels betrayed, more like ever before. Her hand touches his hair with calm and care. He likes that. She whispers little words of comfort, but he doesn’t listen (she knows but she _tries_ ). He is too blinded by sorrow and betrayal. It just happens. His siblings lie, it just happens. Anger takes the best of him and he drives away, leaving her standing in the middle of the road, confused.

 

* * *

 

He goes away and tries to find something to take his mind off. He doesn’t want to use her to do that, he doesn't want to fuck his anger away with her, so instead, he finds a young redhead. He hates himself for that. The girl is high and feels good to his touch (not as good as her). “You taste sweet”, she says, _yeah sweet like her_ , he thinks. When this is not enough, he pisses off a navy guy to get his ass kicked. Several punches on his face and stomach do half the work but then Chelsea comes to his rescue. His harsh words are a dagger on her and on him too. He needs something stronger, he needs to forget his own existence (he doesn’t forget hers though).

When he comes back, he tries not to think of her. But she creeps into his mind and he is anxious, guilty, hurt because he fucked up, he fucked up and in the way, he hurt her, even though she doesn't know he did. The strong wind and the sound of the sea help to ease the buzzing of his head. He takes all his anger out while he scales the fish, his hands rough, his mind gone. “You disappeared yesterday”. Her voice is soft like always, but this time it has a hint of disappointment. He fucked up, he let her down, he hurt her. He hates himself for that. His hands drop the fish and the knife but he doesn’t turn around to face her. His jaw clenches with all the things he won’t say and the feelings that are in the way. “Yeah, I took a day”. She is quiet, she is waiting for him to look at her. He doesn’t have the guts to but he does. He can’t even met her eyes. “God Danny, what happened to your face?”. “It’s nothing”. “You were in a fight that’s for sure”. She crosses her arms and looks at her feet. “Hey, I’m sorry, It’s just that… I was really worried about you, I called you like five times…” Those words make him feel like the worst piece of shit on earth.

 

* * *

 

They are both lying on the floor of the boat. Their skins are hot and sweaty from the heat of the night. The splashes of the waves against the hard surface is calming. He is placing little kisses on her shoulder, his hand underneath the blanket tracing meaningless patterns on her breast.

Her voice is calm when she speaks “Can I ask you something?” he hums in response. “Was Chelsea your girlfriend?” he is taken by surprise, his blue eyes are watching her calm ones. She doesn’t sound jealous or angry, she just watches him waiting for an answer. She senses he is confused, _I mean_ , she is the one he is fucking and here she is, asking him about Chelsea. “I’m not asking you because I’m jealous or anything, It’s just that I saw you with her the other day and you two seemed pretty close” He hesitates “She was there for me when all the shit happened… yeah, I guess we were together for a while, it didn’t work out, I left, she stayed, and everytime I come back we fall in the same routine as always.”

She watches him intently but doesn’t say a word. He can’t figure out what she is thinking. Then she nods and looks up to the sky. The breeze feels rough on her naked skin. “I don’t wanna hold you down, you know that right?” She looks at him once again. He is holding his head on his hand while he watches her.  Her faces changes and she says it with force and determination. “I don’t want to stop you from being with her if she is the one you want. I don’t wanna be in the middle of you two. For her sake… and mine.” "Just promise me that if you want to be with her you will just tell me ok? I'll let you. No bullshit"

He knows what she is saying, she may be young but she is not dumb, she has her shit together. He hates himself for that. He claimbs on top of her, his hands on both sides of her face. "I promise" (he means it). He kisses her wildly and needy, he fucks her for the second time in the night. The stars are bright, the breeze cool and their bodies hot. This time, he is slow and sweet and passionate, he doesn't rush, he takes his time. He makes sure she is his.

 

* * *

 

One friday night, Sally invites her to dinner. She gets rid of her work clothes and wears a light blue dress that dances in wind. He can't tear his eyes off her. He cooks and she helps him a little while his mother gets ready on her room. He likes that. He prepares the things to cook the rice while she chops the vegetables, it's a nice scene. It's almost like everything is alright. He can't get enough. He teaches her how to cut, his body pressed to her back, his hands teaching hers how to hold the knife, his breath tickling her exposed neck. This feels more intimate than all the times they have been together. They are laughing when his mother appears and catches both of them entangled together. "I see Danny is teaching you how to cook his famous rice". A knowing look is plastered on Sally's face but she doesn't say a word.   
  
"My darling, when are you gonna get yourself a nice guy?" They were quiet until that question. She is certainly surprised, making it difficult to gulp down. "Um, I don't know, I guess I'm ok like this" both share a knowing look when Sally goes back to her food. "My daughter Meg says just the same but I know it's nice to settle down, you can trust me on that". That's when he steps in "Oh mom, leave the poor girl alone, she is young, she still has plenty of time to find someone good, and besides Meg has a boyfriend, leave her alone too" those words hurt his pride, he can't imagine her with another guy, it makes his belly jump around. But his mother persists “I know a few nice guys that I’m sure you would like, I can introduce them to you”. “Oh, Mrs.Rayburn, that’s not necessary, I really appreciate it. But I think I’m good just now” Sally smiles nodding and puts her hand on top of hers.

A few laughs later, Danny urges his mother to get some rest “Don’t you worry mom, I’ll clean this up, you should go to sleep”. Sally agrees with a smile, says goodbye to Danny and leaves a kiss on her forehead. “Take her home”, she says to Danny, and then puts her eyes on her “I don’t want you walking alone at night”. “Yeah don’t worry Mrs.Rayburn”. “It’s Sally you silly”. She laughs “Sally, don’t worry, get some rest”.

She helps him clean up. He seems distracted while he puts the dishes to dry. “Hey what’s going on with you?” “Nothing”. She doesn’t get to say something back because his hungry lips are on hers and he has her pressed down the wall of the kitchen, hips grinding her slowly. It feels so good to finally have her under him. She slides his hands underneath his shirt to touch him. His hands are on her ass, lifting her slightly up. “It’s just that I have trouble imagining you with a boyfriend”. She throws her head back laughing “Was it that you were upset about? What your mother had been talking about? You don’t need to worry about that.”. "I have to worry about my mother's potential candidates for you that's for sure". She laughs and god he loves that laugh. "They don't stand a chance against you" He takes a strand of her hair and places it gently behind her ear. “Oh, baby I know" He bites her jaw gently and playfully while he smiles. He can feel her smiling at that. 

That friday night, he fucks her in his dad’s office. It’s a kind of rebellion act against his late father, they are doing it in the desk, where he probably signed up to leave him out of the will. It feels good. It’s the middle of the night and they are alone and needy and lusty. His calloused hands lift up the light blue dress she is wearing, the feeling sending goosebumps on her skin. He has been longing for her the whole day. Her lips taste like strawberry lip gloss and innocence. He takes a bit like sea and cigarettes. She loves that. She also loves the way he turns her around and fucks her from behind. His hand covering her mouth to stop her from waking the guests with her wet and sweet whines, and the other grabbing her ass and leaving bruises on the way.

Everything's a mess when his brother John walks in the room, searching for him. The place smells like sex and they are both panting heavy. “Get the fuck out John” his voice is hoarse and deep and annoyed and sounds like sex.

He asks John not to tell anyone, for her mainly, but he knows very well that John can’t keep a secret from his wife and well…

John’s question lingers on his mind when he lies in bed. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” He doesn’t know. He hopes it is (he knows it isn't).

 

* * *

 

She takes him to her house. The department is small but it has charm and a stunning balcony with a view of the sea. They cook together and he tells her about his days on cooking school, and his days when he tried to open a restaurant in Miami, he tells her about his kid. Somehow that night, he opens up, maybe it’s the wine, maybe it’s the way her fingers run up and down the skin of his chest while she sits on his lap, maybe it’s because she listens. Maybe it’s her.

He remembers how he joked and joked every time someone asked about some girl he was fucking and he had said “I think she is the one” crossing his fingers and smirking. If somebody asked him now, he doubts he would take it as a joke. He tells her almost everything he has been through, he trusts her that much. When he finishes, she takes his hand on her hands and looks at him with a serious face. Her eyes are teary, her tongue slips out to touch her lips.

“You don’t deserve any of that Danny, I’m so sorry” his laugh is cynical and defeated “I’m not a good person baby, I deserve some of the things that happened to me” he looks down “what I don’t deserve is someone like you, so sweet and caring and so fucking perfect” his thumb wipes the tears on her cheeks, then she shakes her head and puts her wet lips on him.

With their foreheads touching, her soft lips brush against his chapped ones and then, she says those three little words. He freezes for a second. He tries to look her in the eyes but she has her eyes closed so instead he kisses her again. This time it’s different, with those three little words in the middle it’s completely different from the other kisses they’ve shared. But he doesn’t say it back. He hates himself for that.

That night, with their naked bodies entangled in a mess of purple sheets, with her body illuminated by the dim light of the bed table and a light breeze coming from the open window, all the things he said confessed don’t weight on his shoulder. He forgets for a night.

He has heard the word “I love you” only a few times on his life. When he is a kid, he remembers his father reading to him before bed and kissing him goodbye and saying those little words before the light went out. When he is a teenager he remembers his mother saying those three little words along with a “be careful!” before he went out with his friends to god’s knows where. After _that_ , he only hears the words “I love you” whispered to his siblings at night. Years later, he hears it in the lips of Chelsea, one of those nights when the sea is calm and being next to each other is the only things that erases the pain. That’s the last time he says it back.

When he is older and he is no longer innocent and a good man, he hears those words on the drunken lips of a girl he met in a bar and fucked on a cheap motel. He laughs and puts a cigarette on his mouth once again. Years later, he hears those words when the mother of his son is next to him, naked and a little high. He pretends he didn’t listen.

He has heard the words “I love you” only a few times on his life. He has said those words back even less.

He wakes up and she is not besides him. His eyes are barely opened while he searches for a cigarette to light. Then he sits up and takes a look of the clock on his wrist. “Shit”

“Did I wake you?” she is on the little kitchen, drinking a glass of water. Her hair is loose and she is naked, but wearing his shirt. The buttons are only fastened up to her cleavage and _god_ , blue looks so good on her. He loves that. He shakes his head no to answer her. She climbs back to bed and snuggles closer to him. He looks down at her and smiles. He blurts those three little words and kisses her hair. 

 

* * *

 

Now he is in big trouble and he knows it. He doesn’t take notice of the consequences of his actions because he is too blinded by revenge, by a satisfaction that will only last a couple of weeks before fading out. He doesn’t think she can get hurt. She gets hurt.

The word's of the bastard that works for Lowry replay on his head on the way home. His hands hurt from hitting the steering wheel so hard. He hates himself. “You have a really pretty lady next to you, it would be a shame if she got in the wrong boat one day if you don’t return our shit to us” He hates himself for that. He doesn’t know what to do _(he knows exactly)_. He understands he has to do it for her own good. He does what he does best. He hurts her.

Her face lights up when he calls her to the shed. He loves her, he breaks in pieces. It hurts to say the things he is saying but it hurts a lot more seeing her light shut down by his voice. But this is the best for her. He hates himself for that. She is light, sand, a quiet sea. He is storm, violent waves and a dark sky. He is turning her into something that she is not, something out of her nature. “I don’t believe you” she is trying so hard for her voice not to crack but it does. She knows him, she can see right through him. He hates himself for having opened like that to her. “I don’t care if you believe me or not, you were just a nice fuck, that’s all you mean to me.” Her hand goes up and a second later his cheek stings and he deserves it. Now she is crying, she is crying real tears. There is a hole on her chest and his words fit just perfectly. She goes away and he punches the wall of the shed until his knuckles bleed and the pain is stronger than the pain he caused her (it will never be as stronger). He hates himself for that.

 

* * *

 

When Sarah dies, it just happens. When his father beats the shit out of him, it just happens. He has learned to repress his feelings, not how to forget them. He goes back home with a simple goal, which completely changes the moment he arrives and then changes two hours later, and the next day, and the other. He hates himself for that.

She makes him think he is in control but with his family around, he knows it’s not true. Because if something happens he’ll leave, and she’ll stay behind. He will hate himself for that. She is light, sand, a quiet sea, he is storm, dark, violent waves. They are nothing alike, they are just the complete opposite. He aches for her, craves so much that he doesn’t realize he is dragging her to the abyss with him ( _he does realize_ ). He will fuck her up. She is good. He is bad _(he is not)_.

When he dies, it just happens. When John comes to the hotel and takes his mother to the office and Sally starts screaming. She knows something happened. She freezes.

John comes out and she knows is bad (but not _that_ bad). Her voice breaks when she says I’m sorry. She doesn't know how to react, her limbs seem to have been hit repeatedly by a heavy log, her mind races with a thousand thoughts. She doesn't cry, not when John is there. Asking what happened is not an option, right now it’s better not to know what happened . When John tells her that the best thing it’s to go home, she makes sure she offers her help _(for him)_. She walks home sobbing. She cries all night. It just happens.

 

* * *

 

When she leaves, it just happens. The place has too many memories. Many things that remind her of him. His mother, the boat, the sky. When she leaves, it just happens. When she loves him that first time in the sole of the boat, it just happens. When she falls in love with him, it just happens. When she keeps loving him, it just happens. She hates herself for that.

 

 

 


End file.
